Have you ever experienced regretting your words in a conversation or your act when overwhelmed by emotion in a relationship? Have you noticed how you usually come up with better words or acts in response to the same situation later on when reviewing the past in your mind?
Many of us have experienced having thoughts repeatedly reviewing a conversation we already had and replacing our words with better ones while regretting what we did or didn’t say and how our conversation ended. And it’s not just about conversations; it’s about many of our interactions in day-to-day life. We might’ve acted out our anger, hurting our loved one’s feelings, and regretted what we said or did days after. We might’ve replied to an email when overwhelmed by frustration and regretted it a second after we pushed the sent button. And the examples are endless.
It seems as if we know better after the moment is gone. And we might wonder why those better responses didn’t show up at the right moment when needed.
We might’ve even promised ourselves that we would say or do the right thing next time, but when the next time comes, we repeat ourselves again and again in different situations despite knowing the better way. It seems like the habit of our mind takes over the situation and reacts before we have a chance to respond the way we want.
If it resonates with you, let’s explore this matter together, learn about the habit of the mind, and see if there is a way to come out of this habituality and respond to any situation to the best of our abilities where there is no room to regret. Needless to say, the best of our abilities changes and grows over time as we learn and grow through our experiences.
Now, let’s explore the habit of the mind. The habitual way of the mind is to comment on any situation it encounters in the form of thoughts based on its collective memory from the past. The thoughts draw our attention to themselves. And when our attention engages with the thought, our body produces feelings compatible with those thoughts. The felt thought is even more powerful to consume all our attention. This process happens all by itself and in no time. Not being aware of what’s going on, we act out those felt thoughts. That’s how the conditioning of the mind takes over the situation and makes us react instead of respond.
After all, reacting is to act in a particular way as a direct result of something else. That’s how we repeat ourselves in reacting to different situations. It’s almost as if we are on autopilot mode. When overwhelmed by thoughts and emotions, our words and acts are at the mercy of those thoughts and emotions. Then, when the moment is gone, we sit and review the whole scenario in our mind, regretful and surprised to see that we repeated the same undesired reaction.
The good news is that we can come out of this conditioning and take the lead in responding to the best of our abilities in any situation. We just need to master our minds. And the first and foremost step in doing so is to be aware of what’s going on in there. In the habitual way of the mind, we don’t choose the thought that ignites the whole reaction process. The thought arises on behalf of our collective memories, and not being aware of it, we get caught in the entanglement of our thoughts and emotions. Whereas, being aware of the content of our mind, we can choose which thought to follow and which to let go of.
To take this first step in becoming aware of our thoughts, we can pause, take a conscious breath, and acknowledge what’s going on in us before it’s too late. Taking a conscious breath means that we deliberately put our attention on our breath. In doing so, we bring our attention back from being entangled in auto-driven thoughts to where we choose it to be, which is our breath. It’s like switching from autopilot mode to manual. When we have our attention, we can become aware of our thoughts and choose what serves us the best at any particular moment. We can also become aware of some creative thoughts that used to be overlooked amid noisy habitual thoughts. Therefore, we can come up with those better responses that we only used to know when the moment was gone.
You might wonder how one conscious breath can do all that. In the habitual way of the mind, our attention is completely absorbed by our thoughts and emotions. In other words, our attention is too close to our thoughts and emotions in a way that we can’t see and recognize them anymore. Taking a conscious breath opens up a space in which we become aware of our thoughts and emotions. But as the thoughts have a magnetic pull to draw our attention towards themselves, we might find ourselves lost in thinking certain thoughts again and again. That’s perfectly fine. We don’t need to blame ourselves for that. We just have to return our attention to the breath over and over again. Breaking through a long-lived habit requires practice.
Having the ability to choose our thoughts and respond accordingly, we wouldn’t be reacting anymore. It’s important to know that we continue to have the same old thoughts as well as the new ones, but we are not at the mercy of them. And by that, I mean we become aware of them, and being aware of them, we choose whether or not to follow them. We would also experience the same emotions, but we wouldn’t be acting them out. It’s relieving to know that no emotion is harmful in itself, not even anger. Harm is when we act them out unconsciously. Becoming aware of our feelings and being able not to act them out makes our lives easier, happier, and more fulfilling.
Mastering this art of living and coming out of reactivity toward responding to the best of our abilities requires practice. It takes time and effort to change a long habit of the mind. It challenges our patience, willingness, and resilience. But the results are worth it all.